Some nights
by ThoughtsAreMeantToBeLetOut
Summary: Some nights he just wants to pack his bags and leave everything and everyone behind, especially her.


Some nights when he lays in bed alone he seriously contemplates leaving. Just packing a single bag and start walking. But then he remembers the promise he made to her all those years ago when they first met.  
'I'll always be here for you'  
He knows he has to live up to that, he owes her that. She never gave up on him, so he can't give up on her.  
And, he knows that if he would leave now she would follow him in his mind.  
He would constantly wonder how she's doing, if she's back to her old self, if she's happy the way she is. That's just how strong their love is; no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to completely shake her. He wonders if it was the same for her when he was without his humanity.  
Somehow this whole ordeal has made him love and respect her even more. Well, the old her anyway. Not this 'stone cold bitch' as Damon so blatantly putts it.  
He is one of the few people left that know she never wanted to be this person. She told him multiple times.  
When he looks in to her eyes every now and then he tries to find a glimpse of the person she was when she told him that, carefree, fun, compassionate, bubbly Elena, but all he sees are cold harsh emotionless brown eyes looking back at him.  
He remembers her telling him that all she ever wanted for him was to have hope, like she had.  
Hope, what a stupid thing to have.  
And every day that passes he loses a little bit of it.  
Deep down he knows that the Elena he knows and loves is still in there but every day that passes is another day he can't give her back.  
He knows that even when she flips the switch it's going to take a while to get her back to her old self.  
He would know, it took him long enough. He figures he won't be around for that though.  
She's Damon's responsibility now.  
For a second he contemplates how he would respond if she asked him to stay.  
He knows he would want to, but he also knows he can't and shouldn't.  
It's time for him to move on, find a girl who will love only him without the added drama.  
He wonders if in time Damon will come and find him and make his life miserable again like he promised. Damon, the source of all his problems. The reason why they're in this situation in the first place, damn his brother.  
Sure, he knows that's not completely true. He somehow brought this upon himself when he couldn't fight the urge to introduce himself to the girl he saved that faithful night on Wickery bridge.  
He had to be selfish; he had to watch her for months, trying to figure out if she was anything like Katherine and when he finally figured out she wasn't he took the risk and introduced himself to her.  
It wasn't supposed to be like this, they weren't supposed to fall madly and deeply in love.  
She wasn't supposed to find out about his vampire side or his brother, but she did and now they're in this mess together, partially because of him.  
So, he owes it to her to help her even if it kills him. It's true that the resemblance to Katherine is what drew him in but she turned out to be everything Katherine was not. Kind, loving, compassionate Elena. It's kind of ironic that that kind loving and compassionate girl turned out to be Katherine 2.0 without her humanity. Maybe that's why it's so hard for him to be around her nowadays. She's a walking reminder of his compelled abusive relationship with Katherine. Deep down he knows though, that Elena is seriously nothing like Katherine. Elena would never compel someone to love her, she wouldn't need to, because she's lovable enough as it is.  
It hits him hard when he compares Katherine and Elena together. Although they seem to have a lot in common right now, he knows for sure that he would pick Elena over Katherine any day, even without her humanity.  
There is something inside Elena that makes her different. Katherine is purposively manipulative and Elena would never purposively hurt anybody.  
Katherine loves herself more than anybody else and Elena would and could never do that. He's certain of that. He has to be.  
He thinks about how life was a couple months ago, before the whole vampire sire bond no humanity thing and it brings an instant smile on his face.  
The first thing he thinks about is the two of them on the rooftop together when she just turned.  
'I get to be with you, forever, if I want' she had said to him.  
If only he knew how short-lived forever actually would be. The moment he gave her the daylight ring and her eyes lit up he swore that he was looking at the girl he was going to marry someday.  
Now, he's not sure about anything anymore. The one thing he is absolutely sure about is that it's his job to get Elena back to her humanity.  
That's the one thing that makes sense in all of this; he owes her a shot at being a normal vampire.  
But, is that even possible?  
Isn't the moment that she turns back on her humanity the moment she becomes sired to Damon once again?  
He guesses that wouldn't be his problem anymore and he won't be around to see for himself.  
It would be up to Elena to see how she would deal with all of the things she learned about Damon and hers relationship while being unsired.  
Elena is a strong independent woman and he knows she can stand up for herself against Damon, especially when she gets her humanity back.  
He still doesn't quit get how all of this got so out of hand. One day they were perfectly happy together, content and the next she's hopping into bed with his brother and finds a million and one ways to rip his heart out.  
And he knows at the end of the day he can't hold anything against her because she was sired to Damon and her soul purpose was to make him happy but there has to be some kind of responsibility she should take for her actions.  
It would be so easy to blame everything that happened on the sire bond and her not being able to make her own decisions but he knows that deep down he's to blame to.  
The sire bond would have never had such an affect if she didn't have feelings for Damon in the first place and those feelings only came out when he was being the biggest jerk on the planet, aka Ripper Stefan.  
He knows he practically drove her into his arms and therefore he's also to blame for this strong sire bond between Damon & Elena and the thought of that makes him sick.  
But in a way if he's being rational he knows that he would probably do it all over again if it meant saving Damon's life.  
As much as he sometimes hates, despises and curses his brother to doom he also knows it's his only living relative and he loves him. He just wished that he wouldn't have lost Elena in the process.  
It's a very high price he paid for saving his brother, because he lost the one girl he truly, really, deeply and honestly loved.

So yes, some nights he just wants to pack his bags, walk away and vanish into thin air, but he knows he can't.  
He loves her to damn much.


End file.
